Cookie Monster: Dad Stages Home Invasion

It seems evil to tell the tale of more terrible news while the world tears itself asunder enough already. But, there are lines that should never be crossed, such that when they are, the nature of these brazen acts of criminality must be chronicled and harshly condemned. You don’t mess with Girl Scout cookies. Furthermore, you really don’t mess with your daughter’s Girl Scout cookies.

Oregon 40-year-old and Super Dad Brian Couture dialed 911 around 10 o’clock in the morning to report that his house had been broken into in broad daylight. He claimed the burglar entered through the sliding side door and the two of them engaged in a physical struggle before the suspect fled the scene. Worried for the man who claimed to have been assaulted by an intruder in his own house, the police arrived promptly and proceeded to inspect the premises and its surroundings.

They also found Couture unresponsive and he was taken to receive medical attention. Around 97% of patients routed to urgent care clinics receive the level of treatment they need, while only 3% have to be sent to the emergency room. It was quickly determined that Couture needed treatment from neither and wasn’t displaying any signs of foul play. The police never released what injuries Couture had sustained, but offered the following statement after getting to the bottom of things:

“There’s a distinct difference between being unconscious and being unresponsive.”

But, before that discovery was made, an investigation was in motion. So, with K9 units and full investigatory teams crowding the scene, the rest of the neighborhood was ill at ease. A midday home invasion was unprecedented and had thoroughly freaked residents out.

“There were cops from all over, dogs, the forensic team, they had crime scene tape up everywhere. We put sticks in all of our doors and I started setting the alarm during the day because I was afraid to be home by myself during the day,” said neighborhood resident Brooke Gwin.

Things started to look and feel fishier. June might be the month that the most ice cream is eaten, but during the late winter and spring, it’s Girl Scout cookie season. You know, that Caramel Delightful season that has us almost involuntarily shelling out money for a few boxes of our favorite treats in support the Girl Scouts of America. As it turns out, Mr. Couture had done a real big no-no.

We understand how delicious these cookies can be. About 86.4% of adults have tried alcohol at least once in their life, but booze pales in comparison to the addictive power of Girl Scout cookies. Couture, however, didn’t have a cookie problem (to our knowledge), he had an alleged money management problem. See, there was no home invasion. He had stolen more than $700 in Girl Scout cookie earnings from his own daughter’s campaign. That’s a lot of cookie money. What did he do to attempt to cover it up? Stage a home invasion, obviously.

“Couture admitted to Forest Grove Police investigators that the alleged incident was staged. Investigators believe that Couture staged the incident in order to conceal the theft of money belonging to a non-profit organization, that was spent inappropriately,” said the police department in a statement.

Since 1986, desserts and entrees have increased by 62 and 80 kilocalories, respectively. Basically, they’ve become thicker and more delicious, which doesn’t help us refrain from crushing a box of Thin Mints in one sitting. Eating a box of your daughter’s cookies could be seen as an honest mistake, easily remedied with a few dollars. But, the money from those cookie sales being spent inappropriately is a kind way of saying it was stolen. In no small amount either. Theft and falsifying a police report is a serious deal, too. Couture was arrested for exactly that, pleading not guilty to the charges even though he had already admitted to them. How that will pan out remains unclear. Either way, we can imagine his daughter isn’t thrilled with him.

After further investigation, the Girl Scouts of America determined that they were missing around $740 dollars and are cooperating with authorities in joining the investigation into the allegations against Mr. Couture.

“At this time, Girl Scouts of Oregon and Southwest Washington is following our normal procedure to collect on funds owed. The stewardship of Girl Scout troop funds is a top priority for our organization, and that is our focus in this matter,” a police spokesperson said.

Here’s a corollary to a famous commandment that apparently needs to be said aloud: Thou shalt not steal thy daughter’s Girl Scout money.

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